“Sex Up my TV!”

“Sex Up my TV!” The shows that we all know and love… gratuitously brought into the 21st Century There are few things as unforgiving as the Television Axe – falling onto the vulnerable necks of any program guilty of not bringing in the viewers to those fat-cat production companies. Even shows showered with critical acclaim are given the chop if they don’t do the business financially. However, with the economic downturn continuing to take its toll on advertising revenues for commercial stations and more critical analysis of the program’s produced at the taxpayer’s expense, how can we save our best-loved TV from the axe?

In today’s over-saturated market of sex, drugs and violence there’s only one thing for it. Crack out the C4, leather boots and KY, it’s time to get sexing up... Songs of Praise With the number of followers of Christianity falling to their lowest levels ever, it may be time to start worrying for the country’s premier Christian program.

Completely changing the lyrics of the country’s best loved hymns is probably tantamount to total blasphemy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change who performs them. No one likes to hear old people singing – the only acceptable time for this geriatric Top of the Pop’s is Christmas at Grandma’s after one too many half-bitter-shandies – but bring in the world’s top music stars and suddenly things become more appealing.

Think Kings of Leon doing an angsty rock version of ‘Jerusalem’, Girls Aloud with a catchy-pop style ‘Shine, Jesus Shine’ or 50 Cent pimping up ‘Abide with Me’ throwing in cursory ‘Ho’s, ‘Word’s and ‘Dog’s. Countdown Countdown’s ratings have been declining ever since the death of Richard Whitely back in 2005, and suffered further last year with the loss of Carol Vorderman when she found it objectionable to not be paid close to £1 million for picking cards off tables and using a calculator.

The shows bosses have already attempted to sauce things up with the introduction of 22 year old Oxford Grad Rachel Riley, whose dresses are getting so short it won’t be long before the clock has to be set to 2 minutes, allowing a minute and a half for the male contestants to regain their concentration – but it needs to go further.

Cash always makes things more interesting - how anyone can take an interest in a competition for a dictionary and a teapot is beyond me. Also, I think I speak on behalf of all males under 25 when I say we want to see more silly words – ‘BOOBS’, ‘WILLIES’, etc. The Antiques Roadshow As a child The Antiques Roadshow embodied everything wrong with Sunday nights.

The night before a new school week was depressing enough without watching fusty-old people talking about their fusty-old furniture, that they weren’t going to sell even if it was worth £60 million – it had priceless sentimental value… that sort of b*llocks. However, the show has, like Countdown, tried to update itself at least a little bit.

Michael Aspel has been replaced with the alluring tones of Fiona Bruce, while now everyone stands-up while talking about their fusty-old furniture. To an old person that’s like 60% more explosions. Again though, more needs to be done. No one enjoys watching the middle-classes being told their wardrobes are worth more than most people’s houses, but watching them have to answer questions to stop said wardrobes from being destroyed by hydraulic-crushers?

Now that’s the future of antiques-based programming. University Challenge Judging by the title, you’d expect University Challenge to be accessible to 18-21 year olds, but unless you’re incredibly book-smart and studious, you’ll have found the quiz show hosted by Jeremy Paxman makes you feel incredibly stupid. Let’s be frank, the majority of students are too busy drinking their weight in SU-value alcohol to read classical literature and, you know, actually learn anything. University Challenge should be a test of skills actually useful to a student; drinking contests, Fittest Fresher competitions and Chat-Up Line Challenges, where slurring lads try to pull a variety of attractive young ladies.

“Did it hurt? When you *hic*… fell… um... fell on my bedroom floor?” Time Team Let’s be under no illusions, the lives of British archaeologists rarely get much more exciting than finding broken pottery, fossilised cutlery and stones that may or may not have been the foundations of an ancient toilet. With this in mind, it isn’t surprising watching Tony Robinson jaunt around the British countryside smugly pretending some old urns are “fascinating” and “important discoveries” is as much fun as, literally, digging holes in the ground.

So how can you turn a program centred on finding teapots in the ground into an exciting and fresh format? Well first of all, ditch Robinson and get a young, sexy presenter in to do the dirty work. She probably wouldn’t need any sort of qualifications or general intelligence – after all Tony Robinson only affiliation with British history is being in Blackadder – but in any case, Cambridge University’s tabloid newspaper ‘The Tab’ is doing great work in finding that latest Ox-Bridge talent (I don’t mean any sort of skill or intellectually-based talent, just nice-arse-big-boobs talent). I would imagine the audience would be so busy staring at the presenter’s jugs they would lose all interest in the Roman jugs anyway.

And if that doesn’t work? Oh I don’t know, landmines and dead bodies? I don’t care anyway, just bend over for me and pick up that spearhead. No not that one, the one lower down… that’s it.